Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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