Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
