Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
