Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Randomize
