Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
