come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
