I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
