Your face is a jimmy john
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
ugly people sure do ruin things
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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