Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
