You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
