It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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