life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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