From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
