Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
Randomize
