you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Will exercising make me less horny?
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
