Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
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