I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
MIDGETS
????
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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