so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Drunk is not a location!
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
