your room smells of hookers.
And success
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Randomize
