i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
