I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
