I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
