yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
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