I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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