i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Randomize
