I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
