my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
This is the prime rib incident all over again
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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