remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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