I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
