ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
