I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Randomize
