Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I feel like abortions should bother me more
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Randomize
