Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
