he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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