would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
