Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Randomize
