Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
