You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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