so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Randomize
