Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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