god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
