Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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