help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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