ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
