my text book just quoted the cookie monster
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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