I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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