she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
