I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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