So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Randomize
