remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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